A List: Procrastination Videos

A conversation with a friend has prompted this list. He’d never heard of the “Oozinator.” This might be the only useful post I ever make, and because you are here, you are, by definition, incredibly bored and/or procrastinating. In no particular order, here is a list of links I've had sent my way that made me want to write Al Gore a "thank you" note for inventing the Internet. Many have already appeared in previous posts. You might laugh, you might cry, you might go immediately to eBay and search for an Oozinator auction. Enjoy...

1) The Leprechaun – this, to me, is the greatest piece of local news ever. Two years later and it still gets me.

2) Minesweeper Trailer – before Tia Tequila, MTV used to have some decent programming, and the guys from the State pop up now and again doing hilarious things.

3) The Oozinator – as if kids these days aren’t messed up enough.

4) Bug Flies into Reporter’s Mouth – pretty self explanatory, pretty hilarious.

5) Cats Boxing – if you like cats, you’ll love cats boxing.

6) Ultimate Warrior – I can't believe they took this video off of YouTube - I managed to find a low-quality, grainy substitute, but it isn't quite the same.

7) Dick in a Box - A classic, and also a solid Halloween costume.

8) People Getting Punched Before Eating – if only the rest of SNL was as good as their digital shorts. It’s really the song that makes it.

9) Lady Eating it With Grapes – local news comes through again. Worth the minute wait for some amazing (human?) noises.

10) Don't Taze Me – Tazers are inherently funny. but the Hammer remix is arguably better.

11) Flea Market Hey Hey – if I’m ever in Montgomery, Alabama, this is where I’m getting some furniture. Hey hey.

Things that Frighten Me.

Like most Americans, I live my life in fear. Fear of terrorists, fear of a recession, fear of the environmental apocalypse. But beyond these vague, uncontrollable forces, there are the day-to-day things that I can avoid and that need to be stopped. Listing them is the first step to conquering them.


1) Family Restrooms. I don't know what goes on in these things but I'd like to go on the record and say that I am terrified of them. I imagine one large toilet and the type of family that wants to go to the restroom together, possibly while holding hands and singing.


2) Tomatoes. They attack and kill in the movies, and now they deliver salmonella. And what are they? Fruit? Vegetables? I can't keep it straight.


3) Tila Tequila. I recognize that as I grow older (though at 28 I am still in my mid-late-twenties, for at least another 3.5 weeks!), there will be a gradual disconnect between popular culture and things that I "get." I will slowly lose my ability to say anything remotely cool as the next generation makes movies I can't relate to, music I can't stand, and art that exemplifies angst in 2030. That's all well and good, but if we're already so culturally bankrupt that THIS is something people watch, well, I'm a lot older than I thought. Anything that makes Flavor of Love look sophisticated is deeply concerning.

4) 2-Year Law Schools. What's the big hurry here Northwestern?? The third year of law school is important, though not necessarily from an academic standpoint. You can choose to take a clinic, or other electives, or study abroad, or..... Travel somewhere, watch the Price is Right and play golf. If you cram 3 years into 2 years, it won't necessarily create more attorneys, just more bad attorneys.


5) Eddie Murphy. What is wrong with him? Seriously. Delirious and Raw are two of the funniest things I have ever seen. His brain needs to be studied to prevent future generations of comics from selling out so hard that screenwriters make bets over who can make a movie so shittastically awful that he won't star in it and ask for a sequel. It's sad that he is so irritating that the only way he can be in a movie is if he plays all of the characters or acts opposite CGI animals.

Hawaii

The story of our vacation follows, for anyone who would care. It was totally awesome. Almost tubular. We started off on Wednesday, May 15th, and flew from Dallas to Honolulu. Things began inauspiciously, though, when on the flight from L.A. to Honolulu we were surrounded, quite literally, by some of the most ridiculous people I've ever seen on an airplane. 12 passengers, all with matching shirts that read "Hawaii '08 - It's on like Donkey Kong." The back of the shirt displayed a large ape, presumably Donkey Kong, climbing all over the 5 Hawaiian islands. Almost immediately, the ring leader of the group began to order beers for everyone, stating in a voice more appropriate for a loud crowded bar that "he had had10 beers already" and calling anyone in his group who refused to drink a "pussy ass pussy." I was convinced this kid was maybe 2 days over 21. We later found out he was 29, a fact that made me laugh out loud for at least a full minute. Eventually they drank themselves into a stupor, but not before denying everyone within a 5-row radius a wink of sleep.

For the first 5 nights we stayed in Oahu, at the Hale Koa hotel in Honolulu, a hotel built predominantly for our country's servicemen and women. The location was perfect, right in the heart of Waikiki beach. We spent our first day at Pearl Harbor, and though it was a very somber place, there was also a deep sense of respect for those men and women who were involved in the tragic events of December 7, 1941. I have a fascination with the second World War, and the Arizona Memorial provides a strong sense of what happened, the mistakes made so clear by hindsight, and the element of chance that factored into the catalyst that sped America to war. I can't imagine visiting Hawaii and missing this memorial.

Oil still seeps out of the USS Arizona, an eerie reminder of the tomb just below the surface

That evening we went to an authentic Hawaiian luau. The host for the evening was Glenn Medeiros, who became a source of great amusement once we learned that he was some teenage heartthrob singer in the late 80's, with such hits as "Nothings Gonna Change My Love for You" and some song he did with Bobby Brown called "She Ain't Worth It." He was originally from Hawaii, and now he lives in Honolulu and teaches high school history. At least he has taken his career in stride, unlike some celebrities.

The next day we spent enjoying a beach on the Southwest portion of Hawaii. Then I think I wasted a few hours watching basketball. Damn Spurs..

On Saturday morning it was time to skydive. As our plane went up to 14,000 feet, I kept wondering how I got myself into this situation... The human mind is capable of many impressive balancing acts, and one of my favorite is logic v. terror. Logically, and statistically, skydiving is safer than a lot of things we do, such as driving on I-35 or eating at Taco Bell. My tandem divemaster guy had jumped out of a plane over 11,000 times, and yet, when they slide open the door on the side of the plane, it is difficult to maintain a grip on logic. Luckily, there wasn't much time to dwell on the 5000 different things that could go wrong, and we were soon falling through the sky, sixty seconds, and then the parachute. It was simply indescribable, and I hope to do it again. After skydiving we took a drive along the North coast and then headed to the "market" in the Aloha Bowl parking lot. Not too exciting, but still a good time. Cheap souvenirs aplenty.

Sunday we got up early, which was easy to do thanks to the time difference, and headed to Diamond Head State Park. The view from the top of Diamond Head was just another in a series of breathtaking views. 360 degrees of cool shit to look at - including the volcano crater, and a sweet-ass lighthouse, for those of you who are lighthouse fans, you know what I'm talking about.

Damn that is a sweet-ass lighthouse.

The rest of the day we went snorkeling and toured more of the coast. The landscape was stunning, and we had to stop a few times just to snap pictures of the water...



On Monday we flew to Kauai, the oldest of the islands, and considered the most beautiful by 9 out of 10 guidebooks. We stayed at the Hilton Kauai, and the grounds alone were enough to keep me happy - there's something about a bar by the ocean that feels... right. We hung out on Monday and drove around to check out one of the bajillion waterfalls on the island.

Tuesday was helicopter day. It was a very good day. The helicopter didn't crash, which is more than I can say for a few recent tourists... On Monday, I met a guy at the hotel bar who was there on business investigating a helicopter crash. This was not anything I wanted to hear after successfully avoiding death during skydiving. I asked him what company was involved in the crash, which he couldn't tell me. Then I called him a bitch. I kid.. Finally, I asked him what company he would fly with if he were taking a helicopter tour, and I was relieved when he said Blue Hawaii, the company we went with. Then I called him a crash-investigating bitch. I kid some more...


I think I took more pictures during the one-hour helicopter ride than anyone should ever take. Basically, everything looks cool as shit from the helicopter, but most of the pictures suffer from excessive reflective glare (a term I just invented), and so you'll see a breathtaking shot of the coastline, with a reflection of my hairy leg superimposed on the shot.

The final day on Kauai we went to see some blowhole, which can only be described as "majestic." I can't imagine any blowhole not being majestic. And, this is where I thought I lost my wallet somehow, when in fact it was sitting in the bathroom at the hotel. Ah, the early onset of Alzheimer's...

A blowhole gets totally majestic spouting ocean water everywhere

And so we left Hawaii and went on to Detroit for a friend's wedding, which was very cool because I'd never been to an Indian wedding. Lots of dancing, but not a lot of booze. As an awkward white person, I didn't know that wedding dancing and booze could exist without one another...

The end.

Now that feels better....

Wow. Not that I ever wish bodily harm on anyone, but when people this dumb do something this dumb and then tell the police the honest truth about how stupid they are, well, god bless America.

In other news, I'm off to Hawaii for a week on the in-laws dime. It just feels good to say that. God Bless America once again.

In still other news, the Spurs are showing signs of life. Game 5 win would be HUGE. Spurs.

The Conspiracy...

With Round One of the NBA playoffs behind the Spurs, it's time to let people in on a little known secret that is permeating the league: the Spurs Conspiracy. All across the NBA, you find them. Ex-Spurs. Ex-Spurs coaches. Running teams, making moves, sabotaging their franchises with trades and inconsistent philosophies.

Steve Kerr: Goes to Phoenix and brings in Shaq (and Shaq's gigantic man-bra). Even acquires Grant Hill for a laugh.

P.J. Carlesimo: former Spurs assistant coach, heads to Seattle and the Spurs get Kurt Thomas, with the added bonus of re-signing Brent Barry.

Avery Johnson: The Lil' General - we ship him to Dallas and he "forgets" to teach his team how to play defense or to attack the basket. He introduces Josh Howard to marijuana.

Doc Rivers: he's out there, coaching the Celtics. But we all know who he works for. His job: get them to the Finals and then roll over.

Mark Cuban: He's not a part of the conspiracy, he's just an idiot who helps the Spurs by default.

Luis Scola: former draft pick of the Spurs. He's the main inside threat should the Rockets face the Spurs down the road. He's going to magically sprain his ankle when Popovich gives him the signal.

Larry Brown: The Spurs like to send this guy from team to team, where he totally screws with everything and then leaves, searching for his next victim.

Danny Ferry: Former Spur and current Cavs GM ensured Cleveland made it to the Finals last year. We all know how that went.

Chris Paul: The former Wake Forest guard idolizes Tim Duncan, and he is part of the conspiracy without even realizing it. He can't bring himself to stop the back-to-back title run.

Popovich. He is the mastermind. He is Deep Throat. I don't know what kind of training he received during his time in the Air Force, but his five years overseas in the Soviet Union must have made him very ... persuasive. There are other pieces of the conspiracy out there, working in the shadows to ensure Spur domination.

The only problem... L.A. The Spurs have no one on the inside there.... And apparently the Grizzlies and Lakers have their own conspiracy working... Should be an interesting conference finals against L.A.

Your Honor, I'd Like to Move for a Mistrial

So, the other day someone sends me this story about an Austin attorney. Apparently, at the end of sentencing for his client, he decided to make a motion. With his hand. Like he was jerking off. Towards the prosecutor. The judge sentenced him to 90 days in jail.

The real story, though, is not what this guy did in court, but his name. Adam Reposa is a 2001 graduate of the University of Texas School of Law (way to make us proud). He passed the bar exam in 2003. And when he passed the bar, he decided to register with the state bar as Adam "Bulletproof" Reposa. That is awesome. Every attorney should have a nickname. Sure, we've all heard of Law & Order's "Hang 'em High" McCoy, and the "Texas Hammer" Jim Adler, but we should all do our part to make the Texas Bar more interesting. I call dibs on "Sweet Cheeks" and "Big Sexy."

Uninspired and lazy

In response to the comment from one of the six to seven people who might occasionally check in to this site, it is true indeed that I don't have a life; my lack of posting has mainly stemmed from the lack of anything (relatively) worth writing about. Granted, my standards aren't that high (kitty wigs, creationism, etc.), but rest assured, once something becomes irritating enough that it inspires me to address it here, here it will be. I would suggest subscribing to the RSS feed so that whenever I get back into this, the fun will be beamed straight into your inbox!